Bored

This is not going to be a post about me being bored of not doing anything. This post is going to be how I am bored about how people treat me. Or maybe how they treat me is a reflection of how I treat myself: not appreciative. 

This morning I came across an article about the author being single at 35. I think she explained it to perfection about how I feel being single at the age of 28. I do advocate having my own time alone as that is truly important to me and is underrated in society. That being said, there are times I do get lonely and just wish I had someone who I could just cuddle with and talk silly the whole day. 

However, sometimes I find myself not telling the whole truth. That I have overly emphasised on the good of being alone that I forget to balance out my thoughts with my fears. I am scared that I would end up alone. The joy of never feeling someone's warmth next to you when you wake up is daunting. I have accepted and adapted as the author put it in her article. I'm doing what I'm doing because I have to in order to roll out of bed and function as a human being. I do things alone not because I always want to but because I HAVE TO.  I go to the movies alone because I do not have anyone other than a handful of people (and I mean maybe two?) that I want to share those moments with. I reserve my time for people I think would bring meaning to my life and not to merely fill up an empty spot in my heart or the seat next to me. As much as I love talking to people, I am picky with who I spend most of my time/days with. Not because I am stuck up or a being a bitch, but because I am at a place in my life where I want to reserve my heart and time for people who would teach me and help me grow spiritually, mentally and physically. 

If I do accept facts in my life that I have listed as above, I would end up dreaming of what ifs and what nots. That would be worst than never living. Letting the days pass as you dwell on things that are in your life will only cause you more pain and it truly is a waste of time. I cannot emphasise this more than ever. I have stumbled upon those kind of days where I just don't want to face the day as I may not want to face reality that hits you hard across the face. But I refused to accept defeat.

Why should I when I know I deserve better? I had a thought of physically engaging someone to feel more fulfilled but I know for a fact, it would only serve as a temporary measure and not something meant to be in my life permanently. I am glad that it hasn't worked out. Because I would allow myself to be taken for granted countless of times. And the worst part? I probably would have let the guy get away with murder. Such a pathetic trade I have come to realise. It is time for me to rise above this moments of stupidity and regrets. It is time for me to do things that make me happy and stop waiting around for something good to happen. I need to take matters into my own hands and pursue what I want. The people who matter would not come running after me but rather support me like a bedrock. Those who do run after me after my success would be humans I do not need in my good life because they were never there during the hardships to see my blood, sweat and tears.

I will do what I need to do to make my life a happy one for myself. And people who get in the way are not people who I need in my life, heart and soul. 

end