Bored

This is not going to be a post about me being bored of not doing anything. This post is going to be how I am bored about how people treat me. Or maybe how they treat me is a reflection of how I treat myself: not appreciative. 

This morning I came across an article about the author being single at 35. I think she explained it to perfection about how I feel being single at the age of 28. I do advocate having my own time alone as that is truly important to me and is underrated in society. That being said, there are times I do get lonely and just wish I had someone who I could just cuddle with and talk silly the whole day. 

However, sometimes I find myself not telling the whole truth. That I have overly emphasised on the good of being alone that I forget to balance out my thoughts with my fears. I am scared that I would end up alone. The joy of never feeling someone's warmth next to you when you wake up is daunting. I have accepted and adapted as the author put it in her article. I'm doing what I'm doing because I have to in order to roll out of bed and function as a human being. I do things alone not because I always want to but because I HAVE TO.  I go to the movies alone because I do not have anyone other than a handful of people (and I mean maybe two?) that I want to share those moments with. I reserve my time for people I think would bring meaning to my life and not to merely fill up an empty spot in my heart or the seat next to me. As much as I love talking to people, I am picky with who I spend most of my time/days with. Not because I am stuck up or a being a bitch, but because I am at a place in my life where I want to reserve my heart and time for people who would teach me and help me grow spiritually, mentally and physically. 

If I do accept facts in my life that I have listed as above, I would end up dreaming of what ifs and what nots. That would be worst than never living. Letting the days pass as you dwell on things that are in your life will only cause you more pain and it truly is a waste of time. I cannot emphasise this more than ever. I have stumbled upon those kind of days where I just don't want to face the day as I may not want to face reality that hits you hard across the face. But I refused to accept defeat.

Why should I when I know I deserve better? I had a thought of physically engaging someone to feel more fulfilled but I know for a fact, it would only serve as a temporary measure and not something meant to be in my life permanently. I am glad that it hasn't worked out. Because I would allow myself to be taken for granted countless of times. And the worst part? I probably would have let the guy get away with murder. Such a pathetic trade I have come to realise. It is time for me to rise above this moments of stupidity and regrets. It is time for me to do things that make me happy and stop waiting around for something good to happen. I need to take matters into my own hands and pursue what I want. The people who matter would not come running after me but rather support me like a bedrock. Those who do run after me after my success would be humans I do not need in my good life because they were never there during the hardships to see my blood, sweat and tears.

I will do what I need to do to make my life a happy one for myself. And people who get in the way are not people who I need in my life, heart and soul. 

end  

Risen from the end of the world

Life does have its way of letting you coming face to face with your deepest and darkest fear. Maybe it's God's way of showing you that you create your own fear rather than there's something to be scared about. Well, as they always say only God knows why. 

Rather I am going to talk about what I know. I know that for a very long time I've afraid of corporate people. Yes. You heard it right. You know who I'm talking about. The man in the suit with the tie. I am not sure where this fear stemmed from. But I try to avoid them as much as possible. And if I do meet them, I get tongue-tied. You may ask then why did I take a job that would lead me to meet these people everyday. Just so you know, I consider politicians part of this group. They're the same deep down, trust me. It's all about numbers.

I am used to firing questions that needs to be asked towards politicians who obviously do not welcome it. But when I meet MIS (men in suits) at especially business-related functions, I clam up and go to my cave. I just do. I have nothing good to say to them. Or rather I don't know what to say to them. Especially when they start jabbering at subjects like stock markets and annual reports. I hate numbers to the very core. Maybe that is where the fear is born. Facing the very people who created this numbers. 

I am 27 this year. For 27 years, I have done a good job avoiding these people. And if I do meet them at assignments, I will merely exchange a few words and my name card. Period. 

Well, my skeleton in the closet has caught up to me after being kept hidden in a dark corner of my life with the key thrown into the river. Guess the key found its way to its hole. 

I am about to face a room full of people in suits in my company. The very people who control those numbers including my salary. Tuesday is a D-day for me. I have tried dancing around in circles for seven months just barely surviving. But time's up.

So what do I do?  Do I run away? or do I face the music? I have decided to face the music but barely. I just want this over and done with. A chapter of my life that I want to never make it into the pages so I don't need to flip those pages again. Then again, maybe I would after going through it and actually surviving of course. 

Till then...

Serenity

So I turned 27 on Thursday. Another year of has gone and passed so swiftly. I wished I had time to walk down memory lane but it would be a luxury to do so.

Frustration

"I feel like a crippled," I complaint. I was trying a walking stick when me and my boy were heading out. Here I am limping and feeling helpless. I had to DEPEND on this stick to get me around. My boyfriend went "Even the best athletes fall down". And it struck me. Athletes go through this countless of times. I can't imagine what Chong Wei went through when he was injured. The gold medal for the London Olympics was just within his reach but he probably has to let go of that dream.

"I was sooo freakin'close!"

Pix souce: The Star Online 

I injured my foot while running last Monday and I have been limping everywhere since then. I took it real hard. You name it. I whined, complaint and shed some tears to say the least. 

I have worked so hard since November to arrive to where I was- at my peak. I couldn't accept that all my hardwork, my blood, sweat and tears going down the drain. I lost 5.5 kg and I planned to lose more. More importantly, I was healthy and strong. 

Now, you won't be seeing me running around the neighbourhood easily for 30 mins a day for at least 2 weeks. And busting out a half an hour high intensity interval training after that by the way.

My boy reminded me that even the best athletes succumb to injuries. True, I thought.

Athletes have to train really hard before a major competition. An injury can be unforgiving.To go down like that is painful: not just physically but mentally. You think about all the time and effort you took to hone your skills and strength to arrive at this juncture, only to be taken away in a second.

But it reminded me how sportsmanship is important. I could go on all day and sulk. Kick up a fuss! (believe me I did). But like an athlete, injuries only make them determined more than ever to get back in the game. This is life. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. And I agree that to pick myself up and I need to put my chin up. My leg could have been broken and I would have to be on hiatus on my workout for a loooong time.

Thankfully, it isn't.

Pick yourself up when life hits you with another SURPRISE :)

 Pix source: http://www.beforehealth.co.cc/

So, I'm going to take the next two to three weeks as a time for me to reflect my life, read the books I bought that have been nicely collecting dusts on my desks... and just enjoy being a blob :P 

Although that doesn't mean I'm totally not going to workout. I'll wait till week two until I start again slowwwlyyyy... But be assured that I will reach my goal. This is just a small bump I'll get over to get to reach for MY stars ;)

Someone like you

 I found a post which I never got to post up. Here it goes:

I don't know if you're still watching over me. Or if you even miss me or think about me. I still do glance through the windows of time every now and then. I remember the sweet love and how the world would stop every time we look into each other's eyes. I wonder if you still do. Whether you've moved on. Whether you're holding someone else in your arms. Whether she makes you happy like I did. This video is dedicated to you. You know who you are. I hold no grudges or anger. I wish you all the best. Truly :). Hope you're watching...

yearning for...

i've always been the type who would've preferred to be alone,
what more with the number of fair-weathered people around me,
never did i imagine i would meet someone who i could not live without,
we've been inseparable eversince we first met,
distance doesn't make the heart grow fonder,
just more yearning and heartache,
you and i share the same footprints,
the same aches and joy,
so you can imagine how heartbreaking it is that you are at an unreachable distance now,
please come back soon,
as men (including the 'fairer' sex) cannot live by bread alone.

the death of a loved one

You were a part of me and now, you're dead. You're still walking among the living... lurking in the shadows of my past, present and future. But you aren't you anymore. Not the same one I once knew.
Why did you have to leave?
I love you.
Please come back.
Burying the memories of you is forbidden.
I don't want to.
I pray you won't give me reasons to do so.
I await for your return.

The 5th day of June

AS my birthday looms closer, I started thinking of the things I have learnt in the short span of one year. The longer i thought of it, the more I realised how much I've changed.

What's more, being part of the media for the past 3 months has changed the way I look at things. How I look at small details. How everything becomes clearer. I see both the urgliest and the most beautiful side of humans. A curse and a blessing in disguise.

They say ignorance is bliss. I say it isn't. As much as ignorance helps in the time of desperation from fear of the truth, it shields you from the best things God has to offer.

There's always a silver lining behind a cloud. It just takes some time or more for that lining to appear. but when it does, well... it sure is beautiful :)

the need to rant

Don't say I didn't warn you but basically yes, this is a post designated for...well, ranting. I just started working for a media company not too long ago and I can honestly say that... I love it.

Stressful does not even begin to express how things are of late. I haven't really been sleeping or eating right. Sometimes it's my off day but I get agitated and restless, thinking I should be working today. I know... quite a downer eh?

However, the experience is worth it. I have never felt so alive and so in tune with society until I joined the company.

I get to meet different people everyday. Mingle and socialise. Most importantly, I get to broaden my horizons as I am fed with new information and knowledge everyday. What more can one ask for?


Oh yeah, money. I knew that taking this step would require me to take a salary cut. But yeah, other than the moolah issues, am good.

Oh I learnt something very valuable during assignments: take everything with a pinch of salt. Everything. 'Nuff said.

Anyway am off to enjoy my offday! Nothing beats not needing to go through the horrible jam on a Monday!

Bye!~